write_naked (write_naked) wrote in switchspace,

Question from a new member

Hey everyone,

I sought out this community to try and get some help with some problems I've been having. My partner and I (we're both female bodied) have been together for about a year and a half, and kink has always been an important and pervasive part of our life. We switch, but generally she prefers subbing and I prefer topping, which generally works out pretty well. In her previous relationships she spent a lot more of her daily life in scene than she does with me; most of our kink happens in a sexual sphere separate from the rest of our lives. So far this hasn't been an issue.

Here is what is complicated about this situation; we haven't been having sex very much recently. In the past few months I've been diagnosed with a chronic illness which makes me feel very sore and tired pretty much all the time, regardless of what I do. I'm dealing with that and the side effects from my medication, which cause many yeast infections and general loss of libido. It's hard, because when I feel like having sex, I don't have as much physical energy and strength as I used to, so it's harder for me to top. I also don't have the emotional energy that I used to have, so it's becoming even more difficult to work in the psychological aspect of kink- which as I'm sure you'll understand is absolutely vital. To further complicate it, heterosexual descriptions of kink that I've come across to look for inspiration and ideas have very little to do with how we identify. For example, she subs from a more masculine space, I don't like penetration (which is an old new thing- I used to really hate it, she warmed me up to it, and now that I'm on that damn medicine I can't do it anymore), and we're both butch dykes.

I was never involved in kink before I got sick; pretty much everything I know about it comes from her and my friend who are more involved in the community. I guess what I'm asking is if anybody else has ever dealt with topping and chronic illness, or any of these issues, and if you have any suggestions about how to deal with it. I've been all over the internet looking for resources, and despite all the stuff that's out there about sex and disability, and kink, and kink and disability, and dykes and kink, and dykes and disability, and genderfuck and kink, there seems to be nothing that unites them all!  So if you have any suggestions for place to go, folks to talk to, or communities to join, I'd love to hear them.  Thanks very much.

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Sadly, your best bet is to put all the pieces you've found into one big picture to try and find something that works for you. Even if you found information for someone from all of the different labels you listed, what worked for them might not work for you either. Right now, I'd recommend experimenting as much as you can, trying new things until you find something that does work. If you still can't seem to work it out, maybe you could talk with your doctor about changing medication?


January 24 2008, 13:01:46 UTC 9 years ago Edited:  January 24 2008, 13:02:23 UTC

Hi Hunter,
I've got a couple of ideas that might help a little. First thing, talk to your doctor and see if they'd mind you taking acidophilus pills. They're a really helpful way to adjust the PH so you don't get yeast infections despite what the medicine might do. They're available over the counter for pretty cheap.

Depending on how much you can manage physically, perhaps it would help to reconfigure topping to a degree. For example, what if it were more about topping as reception of service/"what your partner can do" rather than topping as physically active. Just an idea.

As for reading materials, I'd recommend Mr. Benson by John Preston, the Leather Daddy and the Femme by Carol Queen, and most erotica by Patrick Califia (who, unrelated but related, has a chronic pain condition himself). You might not be able to get the dykes, disability, kink, and genderfuck under one source, but hopefully this will help. Also, do you do any writing? Maybe you could create the thing you need to see. ;)
Thanks very much for those suggestions. I'm actually taking a very complete probiotic which has controlled thing somewhat- although as ques_nova suggested I will probably have to switch medications (my next medication option involves an IV, however, so I guess that will add a whole new dimension of new issues).

My partner had actually suggested service a long time ago but we never really followed through. I'm going to look more into that. Thanks for reminding me of it!

And I love reading. Hooray! New books to read. I hadn't even though of Califia. Thanks very much again!
I've also enjoyed "Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual" by Christina Abernathy. Lots of good service stuff there. You might also like pretty much anything Eli Clare ever writes. He's great.

You may also want to do a bit of meditation or something. I find it helps to calm the emotional energy and exhaustion I sometimes feel. There are many different positions for this sort of thing, so even if you can't get into a cross-legged seated position (I can't very well either), you can still reap a lot of benefits. There are many books for meditation instruction, but you don't really need them. If you can sit, walk, or lie down in silence (and turn off the books, tv, ipod, people), calm and focus will come and hopefully allow for things libidinally to get movin' again.

Some other fun reading:

You might want to also see about tracking down pretty much anything by Loree Erickson. She's a filmmaker and photographer specializing in sex and disability. Her film "Want" is without a doubt one of the best films I've seen.
Well... what type of topping do you do? And what type does your partner want/need? Take a look at them, and you might be able to come up with something that can work with what you have.

If you're into spanking, there's a company called Twisted Toys that make little paddles at the end of springy rods, so that just a light flick of the arm can deliver a concentrated impact. I don't think you'd want to use them anywhere except the butt; they're not *that* heavy, but the end up getting a lot of energy. Canes can also work well with this, if you practice your accuracy enough, and find a cane that's as long as you can keep perfect control over. A good caning can be done with just the lower arm, not involving the shoulder, and thus, doesn't require as much physical energy.

(For those new to spanking play, "canes" refer to whippy rods of rattan, not standard wooden walking sticks.)

Emotional energy is harder to fake, but you might be able to construct scenes where you don't need to sustain it as long, so you can let it go. Order her to do something (or not do something), and you have to be solid and serious while giving the order... but while observing her performance, you can let the facade drop a bit.

From a non-kink perspective, when there's a difference in libido like this, I think the most important thing is not to let it fade away. This doesn't mean bring it up all the time, but it does... well...

Let's say you're really not in the mood. And you're feeling relieved that a week has gone by and you haven't had to perform. Well, that's the time when you should start realizing that, while you're feeling relieved, your partner is probably feeling deprived. That doesn't mean you have to have sex... maybe you can hold her, and/or talk out a fantasy, and/or help her, while she masturbates, and turn it into a couple activity, where her pleasure becomes pleasure for both of you (as much as possible). Don't let sex fade away; try to keep track of it, because if you don't, it probably *will* fade away.

Kink-wise, one thing that can help is ordering your sub to get herself close, ordering her not to come, and then taking over, training her to come upon your command, so you can sustain it as long as you're physically able, but (hopefully) no longer. Some scenes can even let you make love to her from beginning to end... ordering her to masturbate a bit every hour, say, enough to get her juices flowing, but she's not allowed to have an orgasm until you give it to her. Obviously, you have to feel you have the energy to make the climax be one in all senses of the term... but it won't take as much energy as a slow buildup, because she's already done that herself.
I really agree with this post. I'm involved (albeit in the early stages) with someone and since I can't see him this weekend, he's ordered to masturbate twice today and then forbidden to do so for Friday and Saturday, and on Sunday (when I am able to see him again) he'll get some release then. ;) It helps keep me in his thoughts and likewise he in mine.

You might also want to check out a dragon's tail, dragon's tongue or quirt. They can be used with a simple flick of the wrist or in heavier ways should your energy be up at a given time.